Much of my life, I think, is characterized by fear: fear of failure, fear of what others think of me, fear of being wrong, fear of not being in control. The thing is, I don't want to live this way. Sometimes I think about being a head pastor and the thought terrifies me. Why? Partly because I feel it will call me to a life that is more demanding, more sold-out to God, less about me; a life that is not safe and comfortable. I'm afraid of not being my own god. I'm selfish. I don't know that God is calling me to that but, if so, my ears are probably plugged by fear. Help me, Spirit, to open them again. I do trust you, I really do. Even in my present role as associate pastor I find myself fearful. But I want to follow...however difficult and scary it is to be. I want to truly live.
I don't imagine I'm alone in this fear. In fact, I'm fairly certain that most of humanity (at least in N. America) live with a vague, semi-conscious feeling which, at the core, is about being afraid: afraid of living, afraid of dying, and everything in between.
The author of the first letter of John said that the perfect love with which God loves us casts out fear. A lot of the time I think we live as if we don't believe this. Why is this so hard to believe?
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Dear Paul
I spend too much time on the computer, but somehow missed your March 30 Post. I try to stay in touch with the WebSite on a regular basis, but missed your thoughts on being fearful. I think that we all feel that way. I remember being the youngest person working in a company and thought that I knew more than my boss. But as time moved on soon I found myself in the "boss" position and frankly it can be overwhelming. The issue it seems to me is confidence in oneself and confidence that we are being led by the Holy Spirit. Soon we find that we have a confident position, but sometimes too confident. The key is balance and, I think, to recognize that not everyone is on the same page as we are???
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