The Cleanse

Yesterday I started a 30-day cleanse. What is a cleanse? Glad you asked. It basically means I'm eating and drinking and consuming differently for the next month in an effort to undo years and years of Doritos and Ben & Jerry's and Diet Coke's and Newcastle beer.

I'm trying to reset my body onto a healthier frequency.

Because I'm haven't blogged consistently in an eon, I thought this would be a good opportunity to share the experience. I'm also hoping it will help keep me accountable to see this thing through, because I'm not at all sure that I can.

When it comes to food--especially foods that are pleasing to the taste buds--I usually have the willpower of a cat in a box of yarn. It's not pretty. I can--and have--mowed through most of a whole pizza by myself and have come really close to finishing off a half-gallon of ice cream in one sitting. It just tastes so good! I'm pretty sure I have a problem.

But it's weird for a (relatively) skinny guy like me to be talking about going on a diet, right? It's not a diet, per se, it's more of a physical roto-rooter and an attempt to start from scratch with some healthier habits.

I'm also hopeful that there will be some spiritual purging too; that the desire to overindulge will flush right out of my colon along with everything else.

That's right, I said colon. Better get used to it because for the next 30 days the "c" word might be popping up a lot.

My Yoda for this experience is my friend at church Michelle. Michelle is very modest and doesn't necessarily think of herself as a "super healthy eater", but she knows things. When I sat her down to tell her I wanted to do a cleanse (I had heard her mention doing this in the past) she was a fountain of information.

Michelle knows things and she knows people. It's like the mafia or something. She has a source, a "guy" out in Santa Ana who she gets her stuff from. I wrote her a check for my "stuff" and a couple of days later she passed a heavy, wadded up, unmarked paper bag to me, along with some instructions. I caught myself looking around for narcs.

It's a strange collection of materials--at least to me. There is Colon Detox (there's that word again, and who knew a colon could be addicted?) and Linopal (which is flax seed). I get to mix these two items into a glass of water to drink twice a day. It has the consistency of road sludge and tastes about the same. Yummy!

There are also tablets of L & G which I take 4 of a day. Michelle explained to me what each of these items does but it's as if she's speaking Spanish because I don't understand. Perhaps it is Spanish because all of the materials have vaguely Hispanic names and packaging. Maybe our neighbors to the south know something about healthy eating that we don't. Probably not, since I am definitely not allowed to eat flour tortillas--or cheese.

Here is a list of things I am not allowed to have and how I feel about that:

1. Cheese (milk products in general). I am very displeased about this. Cheese is it's own food group in my book. Just about every food I enjoy has cheese. And I am also saying goodbye to my daily bowl of cereal and milk.

2. Chemicals. This sounds alright at first, after all, who wants to eat chemicals? Turns out we all do. Chemicals are in a whole mess of packaged foods and drinks we consume on a regular basis, like Diet Coke and Ding Dongs (or is that just me?).

3. Processed foods. Basically no more packaged snack foods. Cheese-it's, Pringles, etc. And pretty much anything else that comes in a can, box, or has a label on it. Pretty much. (I did find an out with this and Michelle confirmed that the flax seed tortilla chips from Trader Joe's are clear! It's the small victories...)

4. Red meat. I'm really not that much of a red meat eater anyway. Jen and I were slowly making the permanent transition to turkey meat anyway. I think I'll cool with this until the next time I drive by an In-n-Out.

5. Acidic foods like lemons, oranges, pineapples and tomatoes. And apparently strawberries are acidic too. This messes with your digestion and makes the stomach work harder. Not good during a cleanse, apparently. There are plenty of other fruit options so this is okay.

6. Refined sugar. I have a serious sweet tooth. Especially for all things chocolate-y. I could be in trouble here.

7. Alcohol. I am a social drinker who likes to have a few beers with guys when watching sporting events or playing cards, etc. I will miss the beer, the occassional glass of wine, and the finger or two of scotch that goes along with good conversation. Water, anyone?

The wife thinks I'm a nut (Hey! There's something I can eat all day--nuts!) but she's being supportive. I think she's semi-worried I'll actually pull this off, turn into a full granola man and she'll feel compelled to follow me. Unlikely.

So yesterday was the first day. I'll blog about that later and try to update this each day. If you ask me questions about the process, what I can eat, etc., I'll do my best to answer but I'll probably refer you to my Yoda.

Have a cookie for me.