Dissatisfied and Fed Up

...dissatisfaction with the world as it is is preparation for traveling in the way of Christian discipleship...A person has to be thoroughly disgusted with the way things are to find the motivation to set out on the Christian way. As long as we think the next election might eliminate crime and establish justice or another scientific breakthrough might save the environment or another pay raise might push us over the edge of anxiety into a life of tranquility, we are not likely to risk the arduous uncertainties of the life of faith. A person has to get fed up with the ways of the world before he, before she, acquires an appetite for the world of grace.

Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

LOST hangover

The wife and I have been big fans of LOST from the beginning. I happened to read a review of the show before the pilot aired, it sounded intriguing, and so we dived in. It's been an alternatively exhilarating and frustrating six years of television--dealing with revelations about the survivors and their island existence and questions that never seem to get answered--but it's never been boring.

And so Sunday night's series finale was something we were both amped up about. We watched, she cried, I fought to stay awake (not because I was uninterested but because I was up way past my bedtime watching on DVR!), and as the credits rolled we both felt melancholic and satisfied.

It's a bit strange to say this but it feels a little like a good friend has moved away. This was something we shared for the last six years and suddenly it's gone. There is a void.

And it was a good friend. Unlike some others who have expressed everything from outrage to deep disappointment in the way LOST wrapped up, Jen and I felt it worked just fine. Better than fine.

For me, the series can be summed up in one very memorable exchange between John Locke and Dr. Jack Shepherd.

John: "Why do you find it so hard to believe?"
Jack: "Why do you find it so easy?"
John: (with deep emotion, shouting) "It's never been easy!"

In the end, this half Sci-Fi, half mystical-spiritual show fell solidly on the side of Mystery and Faith, at the expense of Reason. This is what no doubt frustrated many who were looking for answers to the myriad of unresolved questions created over the last six years.

But as one who has often not found it "easy" to believe himself, I was glad the writers chose ambiguity over answers. Increasingly, over the years, I have found that when I can be comfortable and at peace with the Unknown, it is ever so "easier" to believe in what has been revealed.

Finally, I loved the symmetry of the final scene: Jack, laying on his back, staring at the sky, bruised and bloodied; and as the series started six years ago with a close-up of his eye opening, now it ends with a close-up of that same eye closing. Very satisfying.

(One comment on the revelation that everybody seemed to have actually died in the original Oceanic crash (again, somewhat ambiguous and open to interpretation), and the last six years have been lived in a kind of purgatory existence, on the way to the afterlife.

This reminded me of C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce, in which characters who have died don't realize they are dead and are living in a kind of Hell. In Lewis' imagination [and he is clear at the onset that it is just that--his imagination] those who are in this Hell are not confined there, that indeed they can move on to heaven if they choose. But in the whole book we see only one individual who is able to make this transition. The rest are too inward focused, too attached and consumed by their "demons."

The producers have gone on record as being men of faith (Catholic Christians, I believe), and even had one character--a woman, in a minor role--named Charlotte Staples Lewis. A clear nod, in my mind, to Clive Staples (C.S.) Lewis. So, who knows, maybe their idea of "purgatory" was not simply influenced by Roman Catholic theology, but also by the fiction of a British Anglican. It's fun to wonder.)

Book Recommendation

This is a really good book. As one who trends toward the "I" on the Myers-Briggs scale, I deeply relate with its themes. It's a message that the entire Western, extroverted Church needs to hear, and one that will help introverts everywhere to feel understood. Check it out here.

the whole gospel

Our elder board at church is reading The Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Sterns, president of World Vision. Good book. Here's a nice reminder of what sharing the good news is about, in total.

Proclaiming the whole gospel, then, means much more than evangelism in the hopes that people will hear and respond to the good news of salvation by faith in Christ. It also encompasses tangible compassion for the sick and the poor, as well as biblical justice, efforts to right the wrongs that are so prevalent in our world. God is concerned about the spiritual, physical, and social dimensions of our being. This whole gospel is truly good news for the poor, and it is the foundation for a social revolution that has the power to change the world. And if this was Jesus' mission, it is also the mission of all who claim to follow Him. It is my mission, it is your mission, and it is the mission of the Church.

St. Teresa

Christ has no body on earth but yours,

no hands but yours,

no feet but yours.

Yours are the only eyes through which

Christ's compassion for the world is to look out;

yours are the feet with which He is to go about doing good;

and yours are the hands with which He is to bless us now.

Saint Teresa of Avila

Hiroshima and Haiti

In the wake of Tuesday's tragic earthquake in Haiti and the ongoing reports of the devastation--I think President Obama's adjectives "cruel" and "incomprehensible" were pretty spot on--I thought about the reading below from Henri Nouwen.

These are the types of circumstances that test my faith in a loving God. Nouwen's hope of a God at work in the midst of the pain--almost unnoticeable but still there--is my hope too. Read especially the final paragraph.

Lima, Peru, December 2, 1981
"A shoot shall sprout from the stump of Jesse, and from his roots a bud shall blossom. The spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him..." (Isa. 11:1-2)

These words from last night's liturgy have stayed with me during the day. Our salvation comes from something small, tender, and vulnerable, something hardly noticeable. God, who is the Creator of the Universe, comes to us in smallness, weakness, and hiddenness.

I find this a hopeful message. Somehow, I keep expecting loud and impressive events to convince me and others of God's saving power; but over and over again I am reminded that spectacles, power plays, and big events are the ways of the world. Our temptation is to be distracted by them and made blind to the "shoot that shall sprout from the stump."

When I have no eyes for the small signs of God's presence--the smile of a baby, the carefree play of children, the words of encouragement and gestures of love offered by friends--I will always remain tempted to despair.

The small child of Bethlehem, the unknown young man of Nazareth, the rejected preacher, the naked man on the cross, he asks for my full attention. The work of our salvation takes place in the midst of a world that continues to shout, scream, and overwhelm us with its claims and promises. But the promise is hidden in the shoot that sprouts from the stump, a shoot that hardly anyone notices.

I remember seeing a film on the human misery and devastation brought by the bomb on Hiroshima. Among all the scenes of terror and despair emerged one image of a man quietly writing a word in calligraphy. All his attention was directed to writing that one word. That image made this gruesome film a hopeful film. Isn't that what God is doing? Writing the divine word of hope in the midst of our dark world?

Henri Nouwen, Gracias! A Latin American Journal

Constantine the Weasel

Far too long, historians have accepted the claim that the conversion of the Emperor Constantine (ca. 285-337) caused the triumph of Christianity. To the contrary, he destroyed its most attractive and dynamic aspects, turning a high-intensity, grassroots movement into an arrogant institution controlled by an elite who often managed to be both brutal and lax.

--Rodney Stark, For the Glory of God

Ambiguity

If the album has an overriding theme, it is the acceptance of life's uncertainties. "I think there's a liberating nature to that concept," says Tweedy. "It allows for a playfulness and an engagement in life that is more enjoyable than the alternative. I've aspired to convey some of those things for a long time now, maybe not so clearly before because it hasn't been so clear to me. But I do believe that the greater ability you have to tolerate ambiguity, the more successfully you can steer your life. The alternative point of view – the complete dismissal of ambiguity, trying to rationalise irrationality – can be very destructive."

(From an interview with Jeff Tweedy of Wilco, in The Independent)

Conflict

True confession: I'm having a really hard time rooting for the Dodgers in the playoffs. My desire for a freeway world series and my dislike of the Dodgers are going head to head. I'd still like to see the Angels square off against the Dodgers but I must admit to being secretly pleased that they lost last night.

I'm a conflicted sports fan.

Danger

...centralization and codification, undertaken in the interests of religion, are a danger to the core of religion.

--Martin Buber

...there exists in every church something that sooner or later works against the very purpose for which it came into existence. So we must strive very hard, by the grace of God to keep the church focused on the mission that Christ originally gave to it.

--C.S. Lewis

Cleanse - Day 30

Finito!

This is how I feel now. The bull that was my poor habits and eating issues has been stalking me for years, snorting and pawing the ground. Usually, when he has charged I have run like a scared rabbit. Not any more. I've faced the beast in the ring and stepped nimbly to the side. The bull is dead. It's good to be in control.

(Just to head off any outraged emails: I do not support violence to animals in any way. It's an analogy people!)

Cleanse - Day 29

Yoda told me today that I need to start easing the forbidden foods back into my diet, to make things easier on my stomach. So at lunch today at Taco Surf with Jim I allowed myself 5 tortilla chips (regular ones!) dipped in good, wonderful, spicy salsa.

And tomorrow--my last day!--I will have a bowl of granola with fat free milk for breakfast. I can hardly wait.

I will officially break this fast tomorrow evening when I have a scheduled ministry dinner over at someone's house. I don't know what will be on the menu, but I'm hoping it will include cheese.

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Ever notice how hard it is to change patterns in life? For instance, today I went to El Dorado Park as I often do and I walked around the lake, as I often do. Only this time--for the first time ever, I believe--I walked around the lake counter-clockwise. It was weird, but wonderful. It was like walking around an entirely new lake. I kept looking off to the right to see the lake, but it was on my left. Nice change...

I tried this the other day with shaving and couldn't handle it. On a whim I decided to try shaving the other side of my face first. I made a couple passes and couldn't do anymore. My brain kept saying, What are you doing? We don't like to shave that way! Stop! Stop!

Changing patterns is tough. I hope with this whole cleanse thing I've changed some eating habits and patterns in my life. I hope my experience from here forward will be more like the lake walk than the face shaving.

Wish me luck...

Cleanse - Day 28

In 1986 I was a fourteen year old pulling with all my might for the Angels against the Red Sox. I remember watching with horror as Donnie Moore blew the save with the Halos only one strike away from their first World Series trip. I remember saying to myself that it was over--even though the Angels were still up in the series 3-2. A team doesn't recover from that kind of blow. Sure enough, the Red Sox went on to easy wins in games 6 & 7 and the Angels went home.

I remember the bitter rivalry of the Lakers with the Celtics, the Lakers finally breaking through against the beantowners in classic fashion in 1985, and how good it felt to watch Magic, Kareem and company beat them again in 1987.

I don't like Boston sports much.

The Angels have been particularly put upon by this east coast team, being pushed out of the playoffs in convincing fashion three times this decade. Add 2004, 2007, and 2008 to 1986 and you can understand why long-suffering Halo fans have a bit of a complex when it comes to Boston.

But all that ended today.

What an amazing, unthinkable comeback for this team. And in Boston too, in front of all those chowderhead fans. And in the most dramatic of fashions.

I will be savoring this one for a long time. I very, very seriously contemplated breaking the cleanse to enjoy a celebratory beer out on the porch but I hung tough. In all likelihood the Yankees will be next for the Angels and with any luck I'll a few opportunities to toast some more victories. I can wait.

Even if this season doesn't end up with a World Series win, it's been a great year to be an Angels fan.

I'm still pulling for a "Freeway" series against the Dodgers--man, would that energize the southland! Plus, with MLB insisting on playing baseball into November now, Southern California is the only sensible climate left among the teams remaining.

But right now I don't care about any of that. I'm just thinking of Ben Affleck crying in his green beer. I realize I should not take joy in other fans disappointment, but I'm allowing myself one day to do so.

Feels good.

Cleanse - Day 27

The wife brought home those delectable chocolate peanut butter cups from Trader Joe's. You know the ones I'm talking about. So much better than Reece's--they just melt in your mouth! But a serving size is only 3 tiny cups and that will cost you 180 calories. Ha! If I can't have them right now then you have to feel guilty about polishing off 9 or 10.

So I saw those and really, really wanted something sweet. I have no good options for that. I can and have put brown sugar (cane sugar, not refined, legal for me) in my oatmeal. Other than that I'm relegated to dried fruit. Yes, dried fruit. Who, when they want something sweet, eats dried fruit?

I do. 8 dried apricots. Really hit the spot. Grrrrrrr...

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Today was Saturday which meant soccer for the kids. Jen and I are pretty ambivalent on the whole youth soccer thing. Neither one of our kids (older kids, we're holding out hope for Wes) are at all athletic to this point, and neither one of them seem to be that into sports. We're pretty confident (and hopeful!) that they won't be interested in signing up again next year and we can have nice, lazy Saturdays again.

But for now, we go. The wife was out of town with little Wes so Daddy was in charge of soccer day. Miah had the first game at 9:00 am and his team actually won a game! First one of the season, 5-0. The other team seemed to have no concept of the offside rule which helped tremendously.

Riley's game was at 11:45am and for the first time in her soccer career (2 years) her team didn't win. She has been on stacked teams in which she is a role player, supporting the go-getters. The game ended in a 3-3 tie, no sudden death or shoot-out in AYSO U-8.

I was helping to ref Riley's game. The wife--despite my objections--has gotten it in her mind that I enjoy refereeing and therefore volunteers me at the beginning of each year. The first time I sat through a day-long "ref school" to find out how to check 6 year-olds for illegal cleats and the proper way to signal a goal kick. This year I refused to go and so I'm relegated to being a "line referee" rather than a "center referee."

Center refs have all the glory. They get a whistle. They also have all the pressure. They get yelled at by parents. Seriously. Because our kids haven't really gotten that into competitive sports I thought the whole angry, out-of-control sports parent thing was a bit of a myth. Not so.

Today Riley's team (The Sunshine Girls. I've tried to tell Riley this means she has to always be pleasant and agreeable, but she isn't buying it.) was the home team which means we supply the center ref and one line ref. The away team (Blue and Black Attack--now that's a decent name!) provides the other line ref.

The poor Sunshine girls, who had never tasted defeat and, I believe, had never trailed in a game, found themselves down at the half 3-1. Tensions were high as the half-time orange slices were consumed and normally calm parents were sniffing for blood.

Referee blood.

Throughout the second half the center ref--who is a parent of one of the girls on our team, mind you--received a fair amount of disgruntled commentary from the parents on our own team! It was comical. And sad.

Do 6 and 7 year-olds really need this kind of pressure? Does a volunteer ref with minimal training who is simply helping out from the goodness of his heart need this kind of grief?

It make me wonder about some of these parents who prowl the sidelines with the intensity of a lion waiting for fresh prey. Do they really have nothing else in life other than this game played by their kid? If this is how things are in the under 8 league, how is it by the time you get to age 12?

No thanks.

By the way, my role-player daughter got hold of one just right and booted a ball from about midfield that somehow avoided all other players and rolled into the goal. First one of the season! I was very happy for her.

Of course if it had missed, I'm sure I could have blamed it on the ref.

Cleanse - Day 26

Marinated that mahi-mahi in soy sauce, olive oil, onion, garlic, and pepper, and then baked it up with sliced mushrooms.

So good.

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My kids have internalized this cleanse thing to the point where they are telling me what I can and cannot eat. Riley making her lunch this morning: I'm going to have cheese and crackers, Daddy. You can't have cheese, right? (Rub it in there, daughter, why don't ya?)

Jeremiah as we rolled through Wendy's tonight to get them each a cheeseburger: I'm getting a junior bacon cheeseburger. Those are off limits for you, Dad. (Yeah, thanks for the reminder, son.)

By the way, this is the first time in this 30-day cleanse that I've been to a fast food establishment. I typically would go 1-3 times a week--loves me a spicy chicken sandwich with fries. Hopefully I can keep the visits down, now.

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Angels are now up 2-0 in their series with the Red Sox--I am a very happy fan. (Mighty Maicer Izturis got the big hit. Doesn't he look happy about it?)

Cleanse - Day 25

Best cleanse day to date. I'll give you three reasons why and none of them have to do with food.

1. Went surfing this morning at the jetty at Bolsa Chica. I hit the tides right and the waves were breaking my way. Caught a couple of rights that were among the best rides I've had. (Disclaimer: only been surfing for 5 years so I still get excited about these things.) Water was warm enough for a spring suit, it wasn't crowded...all was right with the world.

2. Visited a beautiful old man at his house this afternoon who is dying of cancer. He may only have a few days left. I last saw him on Monday and he has clearly worsened in the last three days. But man, when he smiles... He has a grin that lights up the room and eyes that shine from deep within. I was happy to laugh with him, read to him, pray with him, and cry with him. He made me promise to come back. It was an easy promise to make.

3. Just got done watching the Angels beat the hated Red Sox 5-0! Maybe this is the year. Lackey pitched very well, there was clutch hitting... it feels like a (rally) monkey is off our backs. Let's make it 2 games to nil tomorrow night!

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I'm a short-timer with this cleanse. Only 5 days to go...

Cleanse - Day 24

Ben had some thoughts on eating, not very positive ones. Perhaps he speaks from experience. What do you think?

In general, mankind, since the improvement of cookery, eats twice as much as nature requires.

--Benjamin Franklin

A full belly makes a dull brain.

--Benjamin Franklin

Cleanse - Day 23

One week from today I'm done. Nice.

I took a final shopping trip to Trader Joe's and picked up a final week's worth of supplies: veggies, some fruit, oatmeal, nuts and, as a special treat, some mahi-mahi (so good they had to name it twice!).

I'm already thinking about what patterns and things I'd like to carry over from the cleanse. For instance, I'm done with Diet Coke. It's been a nice run but it's time to break-up. I've kind of grown to like the green tea and if I need a soda I think I'll go with Hansen's Natural.

I really like the wheat bagels toasted up with some honey on 'em. I've been slipping a little butter on there too even though I'm not supposed to. Don't tell Yoda.

I think I'm also going to end my relationship with sugary breakfast cereals. I dig the oatmeal and I'd like to get back into granola. Fat free milk, of course.

I don't think I've ever eaten this many fruits and vegetables on a consistent basis...would like to keep that going too.

I think I can ditch red meat permanently too. The more I read about where it comes from and the entire messed up beef industry the less appealing even the juiciest steak sounds.

Of course, these opinions could all change...

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Read something good enough to share today:

Thought 72 - Reverence

A sense of reverence and awe

in the presence of God

cannot be learned,

cannot be taught.

Without awe, people turn to doctrine.

Without reverence people turn to rules.

Doctrine and rules can be taught and learned.

The pastor resists the temptation to teach.

She steps out of the way and points

to the Presence of God.

Reverence and awe are born in the people's hearts.

Cleanse - Days 21 & 22

In the midst of a busy life it's hard to keep up with this daily blogging. I received an email from a friend telling me how impressed she was that I was sticking to this cleanse thing. I replied back and told that, honestly, if I didn't have the accountability of having publicly committed myself I am sure I would have been eating pizza and cookie dough around Day 6. So thanks for reading and being prepared to give me you-know-what if I don't play out the hand.

My Yoda told me she was proud of me today too. I "confessed" to her (she's kind of like my Mother Superior too!) that Sunday night while at some friends house I ate a white bread bun with the turkey burger they so graciously made me. It was soooooo good. Yoda was very kind, absolved me of my sin, and told me to eat 10 hunks of broccoli as penance. Deal.

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On another note, I'm very excited about the MLB post season and very nervous about the Angels having to face the Chowdaheads again. The wife and I have tics to game 1 and I'm not sure I can take another beat down at the hands of Boston. If the Halos get swept in this series (again) my first day off the cleanse could be down at O'Malley's drowning my sorrows in a pint or two.

(By the way, I'm tired of transplanted New Englanders and New Yorkers taking over Angel stadium. If Boston and New York are so great then move back there! I feel better.)

Cleanse - Day 20

Wow, was definitely ready to quit this thing today. Maybe it would help if I didn't personally prepare a bunch of yummy food for my kids. I made them chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast (side of banana) and pepperoni and sausage pizza for dinner (side of peaches). To top it off, they got a brownie with a scoop of ice cream for dessert from their Dad. I am a silly, silly man.

Stupid cleanse...